Meow
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
constantly working on myself.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.