Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”