🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
In space, no one can hear…
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”