once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.