Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
it be like that
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.