Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Proctology is located in A55
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions