The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
me 2 months after i graduated
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.