what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
“Why you watching this shit?”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!