ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
awkward
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.