I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Good point.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
The old gods are rising again.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Donkey Kong sommelier
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum