Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.