Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth