Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how