“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker