I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”