[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.