If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”