Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
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I triple waxed for this?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.