I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
This is not me but this is me
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
normalize having existential bread
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.