*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.