Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
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To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Oh the world we live in…