“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.