Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Friday
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with