(after sex)
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Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.