[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
repaired
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi