I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Extremely relatable.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.