you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I’m tired tomorrow.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time