“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me