Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
If snakes were wide
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.