It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
thanksgiving in nutshell
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads