My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
How to find Kentucky on a map
I saw nothing
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
2022 be like
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.