[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Oops I deleted….
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.