As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
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Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):