[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I feel attacked.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.