My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
barbara was highly relatable
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
then why did i get this email
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw