Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
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My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it