Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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britain’s three elite institutions
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
nyc:
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.