[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Blew my mind.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans