They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on