Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
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Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“A little help here, Danny?”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.