I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.