Hear me out: his and hers houses.
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.