Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
love it when they get my name right
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Body by Oreos
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.