i spent way too long on this
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!