It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙