sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Your secret is safeish with me
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.