me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
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On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.