I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear