Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
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Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.