(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
You Might Also Like
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Okey dokey.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.